Your Food Industrial Complex Makes Me Sick

Dear Department of Agriculture,
I’m a total food snob and I’d really like to be able to keep it that way. I like the food I eat. It’s full of minerals and good bacteria, prana-shakti (life force) and love. Whoa, sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out there, I know it’s hard to measure that stuff with your fancy food-safety probes and as a fellow scientist I generally agree it’s best not to talk about things we can’t measure. But I can feel it.

Homegrown sprouts are FULL of prana-shakti - which is kid tested and mother approved.

The things that I love about my food can’t be added after the fact with dyes, waxes or sprays. Nor can it be turned-on with the right DNA-tweakage. My food comes from regular old fashioned seeds grown in living soils with loving care in relationship to the natural and cultural community that I live in.

I’m sure it isn’t any of your business that I am a crazy passionate raw-food-loving-locavore. Which is why I don’t understand why you want it to be?

I think you might be worried that I can’t take care of myself. That I need your help to keep me and especially my children safe.

Please let me explain, I am highly qualified at keeping myself safe. I’ve got a fantastic safety-nerd resume: I am a former National Outdoor Leadership School instructor, Wilderness Emergency Medical Technician, Ambulance Driver and National Park Ranger. I’ve hiked 10,000 miles of wilderness solo (I know, you wish I’d at least brought along a cell-phone and some MRE’s, but I didn’t and I’m o.k.).

As an EMT I treated more people for alcohol poisoning than any other ailment. You might want to look into that . .

Now, you might not think this makes me more qualified than Michael Taylor when it comes to protecting my family’s health, but I’m pretty sure it does. I still haven’t actually killed anyone with my food policies.

And by the way, inaccurate labeling, misinformation and all the marketing schemes in the world won’t disguise the fact that my daughters can’t digest that crappy milk-like-product that you let sit in store refrigerators for a month.

But I won’t mess with your “food” system if you don’t mess with mine.

Sincerely,
Charlotte Louise Clews Lawther

p.s. I included my full name because I’m pretty sure my preference for fresh, tasty, healthy and safe food is threatening enough to warrant surveillance.

 

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